what to write about? its almost 6 am on a monday, im semi twacked from popping hydrocodone. thats a good place i guess. so, about a year ago i got a hookup for b u-d. this hookup sold some of the best, if not the best b u-d in the entire spring/houston area. along wth dope, he was taking hydrocodone, a drug i and many people are familiar with. skip forward 6 months, he starts selling the 'codone, in large quantitys, i hang around with him daily, laughing at morons who call up for the pills. all this time i didnt take them, then it happens, i goto the dentist, my extreme fear/anxiety of the dentist, causes me to buy a couple pills from him. skip forward 2 weeks and probably 40-50 pills later. my toothache is gone, but i continue taking the pills...why? i cant tell you because i dont know, maybe i liked the soothing sleep i got at nite? who knows. skip forward 4~ months, and here we are, im taking them still. i feel so pathetic. i have always had the upmost control over any substance, it kills me to think i have become so dependant on a pill. i have turned into the moron blowing up his phone, i have turned into the junkie i have always hated when i saw or met, i am that. i must stop.

if i dont take them my body aches, its like a "growing pain" kind of throbbing pain. its not really painful, but more of a "mind grinding pain eating at my soul", if that makes sense to you. pardon my run on sentences and grammatical errors.

in other news, i succesfully quit smoking cigarettes, i have been "clean" for over 15-17 weeks. i forget, i should have probably written down the date i quit for refrence. oh well. tomorow my dad is buying the patches, after being inspired by me. i finally feel like my father and i are bonding again. i think about alot of fucked up things, and one of my fears is that we will never let go of our grudges before he passes. i cannot let this happen, must fullly recover everything that once existed in our relationship. maybe im breaking down the walls i so carefully built around myself to "protect" myself from others. im realizing these walls just hurt the people that really care for me. im so blatantly cold to some people.

while at the same time i am going to learn to deal with people problems in better ways. for far to long have i been letting my best friends take advantage of me for whatever reasons. i let them get away with such bullshit its so fucked up. i like to think of myself as a strong person who doesnt take shit from anybody, but the truth is i let the people im closest to run me over, and its like they dont even see it happening. is this a friend? its the only type of friend ive ever had, maybe ive just made myself abuseable in this aspect. how do i control this? i think i let them do it because im terrified of being alone. all i have are my "friends".



9/11/06, i FINALLY saw Tool live. wow. maynard was sadly sick a week before the show and about a week after the show. my luck i suppose. he had a respritory infection. he came out and started the show off with a "yeah", it sounded so unmotivated, i felt sad right then. but then stinkfist happened. i was at the front of the entire lawn, facing the stage im on the right hand side infront of Justin Chancellor (bassist) w/ a badass view of Danny on drums. anyways, the crowd sang along to stinkfist, and idk but it was just so powerful. the song is powerful in its own right, but when 15,000+ people sing "i'll..... keep...... digging....... till i............. feel .........something." it was fucking amazing, nothing short of amazing. ive never felt so much raw energy. anyways, maynard was sick as i said, but about 3 songs into the show he apologized, and thanked us for our "understanding and patience". about midway through the show he asked for a moment of silence for the ppl who died on 9/11, then got us all to sing happy birthday to the Patriot Act. Lateralus was definetly the climax of the show, it was mind blowing, and i swear halfway through the show maynard started really singing good, idk. it was definetly worth waiting 10 years for, and then 3 hours i waited outside the pavillion BY MYSELF to hear soundcheck, and get a good spot. SO FUCKING WORTH IT. why am i not disapointed by maynard being sick? maynards 1/4th of my favorite band, and while his writing is beyond many many many singers/writers of our time, and before us. he is still only 1/4th of the band i cherish most, and only my 3rd favorite member! wow i really sound like some teenybopper 13 year old talking about nsync or something. sad.


I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm,
to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired to fathom the power, to witness the beauty,
to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground i loose myself between the sounds
and open up to suck it in, i feel it move across my skin, im reaching up and reaching out, im reaching for the random or whatever will bewilder me
and following our will and wind we may just go where noones been
ride the spiral to the end we may just go where noones been

spiral out